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Morrissey cancels concert over lack of X-rays screening fans’ stomachs for meat

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SAN DIEGO – Morrissey cancelled a Feb. 27 concert at the Balboa Theater after owners refused to install X-ray body scanners at the entrance to screen for any meat still digesting in fans’ intestinal tracts.

“I cannot morally play a venue that enables the metabolism of murder,” read a press release from the former Smiths frontman and animal rights activist. “To bathe in such dubious adulation is to bathe in the blood of innocents.”

Theater officials balked at the demand, saying the cost would be three times the amount of the singer’s guarantee.

But Morrissey – speaking through a series of vegan couriers to create more ethical distance between himself and a media infrastructure reliant on fossil fuels (or as the singer calls them, “pre-murdered animals”) – said the theater should be so lucky.

“I’m fucking Morrissey,” he said.

In a prior cancellation, the British cult icon refused to appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” after finding out the night’s other guests were the stars of A&E’s “Duck Dynasty.” The hit reality show follows a family that makes duck-hunting products.

“I will not be associated with the slaughter of our feathered friends,” said the voluminously coiffed vocalist, who wrote a protest song in the ’80s decrying the Nintendo video game, “Duck Hunt.”

One by one, Morrissey has cancelled every single date on his current tour over unmet demands. Another deal-breaker has been Morrissey’s request for a docking port for his mobile isolation chamber, which filters airborne animal particles out of his oxygen supply.

Some venue owners have also bristled at the ban on eye contact with the singer, who peers into his fellow human’s predatory eyes and sees only a shared heritage of unending carnage.

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