Headlines of the day; quanta of unalloyed truth.

RuPaul 2 ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ Season 17 to require English subtitles

Shirt T-shirt horribly wrinkled by seatbelt in fatal car accident

No-Roid 2 Japanese develop rejection-simulating robot for the lonely

PH1 Conservative scientists: Planet with four suns an ‘aberration’

Post-Its Post-It notes on mirror lift man’s spirits by blocking his reflection

Crotch dandruff Crotch dandruff on toilet a bold declaration of self

hummingbird feeder Owner of hummingbird feeders ruler of all she surveys

Above: NPR correspondent ordering a meat lover's pizza. Afterward, the Pizza Hut employee who took his call said his voice made her want to give him a purple nurple. “I don’t know what grossed me out more – that I could hear his saliva, or his semicolons," she said. NPR reporter won’t stop gaying everything up with his NPR voice

Danell Leyva, who won bronze in the individual all-around Men's gymnastics competition at the 2012 Summer Olympics, practicing the same abdominal flexion that you do when you've spilled white-cheddar popcorn all over yourself in bed and you're rushing to sit up and clean them up before the grease stains everything. Olympic heroes inspire American people to walk to fridge more stridently

Above: Ramona Rose, recovering in ICU, gazes at the mystically floating photo of Luis Martinez (inset), still not giving even half a shit. Woman’s life saved by transcendent power of indifference

joint rolling Guy at party condemns violence in Juarez while smoking cartel-supplied weed

demon texting Bad texter actually an ancient wraith of insecurity made flesh

shc 2 Spontaneous human combustion leads to not-so-spontaneous human mop-up

DAY 7: A SNAPSHOT OF VERBAL CARNAGEEmail auto-responders engage in sassy exchange

In this NSFW screenshot from one of Gibson's secret home videos, two thumb wrestlers' hands lock up at the beginning of the match – or as Gibson likes to call it, "foreplay." Thumb wrestler secretly gets off on sport’s homoerotic undertones

Man in daisy dukes Waste from jean cut-offs litters city

 Final Billboard Painfully honest church billboard offends drivers

SA Entire city of San Antonio in 2009 period costume for some reason

Postcard Man won’t read note scrawled in continuous spiral

Watcher Marvel Universe Watcher laughs at use of word ‘countless’

Impervious woman Area woman impervious to compliments

Spit-take Joke that caused pandemic-spreading spit-take ‘totally worth it’

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